Yesterday was a bad day. Between an awkward one on one meeting with my manager, a terrible commute in, not being able to have my kids overnight…apparently I was off the beam yesterday morning before my feet hit the floor. I did ask for help when I got to the office but even so, I felt like I couldn’t hold onto any serenity at all throughout the day. I have been feeling like this for a few days now and frankly, it is exhausting. I feel like I have no control over what I say or do, which is never a good thing for an impulsive person such as myself.
As I started to walk through the events of yesterday and see how I could do things differently today, I started to see what the underlying cause was for the initial turmoil. The wrapping was different but the issue was still the same. Never ceases to amaze me how the same stuff affects me over and over regardless of the disguise it comes in. No matter how many times I write about it, pray about it, put it in my God Box or let go of a metaphorical rock, the same reaction happens and all hell breaks loose. Maybe someday before I die I will figure out how to stop the crazy train before it leaves the station.
There have been a few times at work when I have given my professional opinion and lately everything I have brought up has been shut down with little or no discussion. I swallowed my pride on all occasions in the best interest of keeping my job. I had my one on one meeting, where I was told that I needed to ‘justify my value to the team.’ Once again, I said nothing but nodded in agreement with this knowledge that I need to prove to everyone that I don’t suck. Awesome. Next on the Shit List is not being able to have my girls because Izzie wasn’t feeling well. Not anyone’s fault but it widens the space between us. After putting them both to bed I went home and discovered a pile of crap coming down from the ceiling that was being jumped on by the rambunctious two year old upstairs. At that moment, it felt like people didn’t realize that anyone lived downstairs or cared for that matter. Lost. My. Shit. Had a hard time sleeping, go figure.
The dust settled (literally and figuartively) and I was able to process the feelings behind the irrational actions. Apologies were given, and I talked about the incidents with various third parties. What was wrong with me? Why was I so angry to begin with?
Feeling like I had to justify my presence brought up my Fear that I really am worthless and that this was another message from the Universe that I didn’t belong here. I was a mistake from conception and this proves it. I have to prove my value at work, at home, and in all areas of my life including my kids. One of my family members broke the biggest rule in my What Not to do In My House Book without a care in the world about how I felt. I shouldn’t have to constantly prove that my feelings are important to everyone around me but that is exactly what set me over the edge yesterday. My feelings, me. I am not important enough to be part of anyone’s equation.
The other feeling that swam alongside the I Am A Mistake concept was jealousy. I was angry that my last delivery of a baby was shadowed by death. When Izzie was born I had to be cautiously joyful- if there is such a thing. Happy but not too happy becuase what if she didn’t make it out of surgery. What if after 9 months of being with me I would lose her in spite of our efforts? I was reminded that birth is supposed to be the happiest time in a new mom’s life this morning. And I knew then that I was jealous. It is. And it sucked that my last experience was so interwoven with fear that I couldn’t enjoy the moment that i deserved to enjoy. I was robbed of that and that is my truth.
That doesn’t excuse bad behavior, however. It doesn’t give me the right to lose my head after a bad day. My perception of the world has completely changed because of Isabelle’s CHD. My empathy has changed, I look at everything differently and through a skeptical eye. That doesn’t mean that everyone else’s reality has changed because mine did. It means I need to pause before I react to things. It means that I need to remember that other people’s feelings are just as important as mine, regardless of the different perceptions.
For the most part, I know I am not a walking mistake. I do. But sometimes those old buttons are pushed by day to day activities and before I know it- BAM! The fuse was lit on my way home and I didn’t even know it. Today is another day and so far it has been better. As always, thanks for reading.