Making peace with things, even if it was only for a few hours…

Yesterday was another challenging day full of google searches and panicked article readings. I had made a decision the night before to learn more about the hypoplastic umbilical artery that I seem to have but no one really spoke to me about. It was my turn to drive in, which was fine, but that meant that I had to focus on the road and little else. By the time I had stepped into the office and sat down at my desk, I could hardly wait a few minutes before typing in ‘Single Umbilical Artery’ into the search field. Huge mistake. 

There was hardly any real information on the syndrome, and what was there was not very positive. With each link I became more panicked which propelled me to read more. Vicious cycle, Google is. You see one thing, and then want to see if it matches up against the page you read a few pages back. The search for information is disguised as a search for hope, when it indeed becomes hopeless as you realize that nothing came out of this other than feeling worse.

Hence, I logged into my patient portal and cried out to the voice of reason- the doctor. Should I be worried about this? I received a call during a training I was wrangled into which went straight to voicemail. She called me back,  saying that she received my message and “I hope to help you feel better.” When I finally did catch up with her, I was reassured that no, this was not something I need to worry about, but it is something they are going to keep an eye on. Stay off the internet, if I have questions, contact her directly. Oh- and yes, you will most definitely have a C-section scheduled at 39 weeks.

Ok, although I did feel better about the cord thing, that last peice of info was a bit of a blow. I had hoped for a natural delivery, but because she will need surgery so quickly, the baby will need to have a more planned out delivery. Which also means I will be in recovery for 4 days, and not with her. Very hard to deal with but at least for now I can make the effort to stay in the moment and know that for now- she is fine and happy where she is. I feel her moving around, little pressure points here and there and take comfort from that. This has got to be the scariest situation I have ever had to deal with in my life and I am finding the biggest challenge is keeping my emotions away from a state of panic. Dr. Kolbas’s phone call was huge, and gave me peace of mind in a few minutes as oppose to the 30-45 minutes of Google hell. Lesson learned. 

Boston Children's Hospital, HLHS

The Dangers of ‘Google’ and other precarious Internet traps

Today I googled again and it led me down another path of doubts. It’s never a good thing when doctors tell you to stay away to everything except 4 approved sites. There isn’t much out there on how to go through a pregnancy like this one and I just want to know more about what is going on. Usually knowing more gives me a feeling of security, but when I try to know more about the heart defect my baby has or the single artery umbilical cord that I have, I feel more powerless. This is terrifying and trying to learn more is not easing my fears. My dilemma is do I sit in the fear or keep trying to learn more and run the risk of driving myself crazy with all of this negative information? There are so many questions that won’t be answered until she is born, as even then who knows. It’s been hard for me the keep my excitement because it terrifies me to know that no matter what I do, this little baby’s life is completely out of my hands. I scour those websites to see if there is any hope, if there is a glimmer of some positive information so I can feel like there is a better chance. I’m not giving up, so guess I’ll go browse a little more.


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