My oldest daughter, Elizabeth, graduated from Confirmation class last night and has begun her adult journey in Judiasm. She sang one of the blessings beautifully, and I watched with great pride eyes brimming with tears. As the service went on I thought about my own journey with Gd and how almost 25 years ago I stood from that very podium with my Confirmation Class. My experience was radically different and I had just come back home after a two week stint of observation about a suicide attempt. I felt awkward, and completely out of place but went through the motions anyway. My relationship with Gd really didn’t start until I got sober in 1993 when I realized that I wasn’t alone and there was something bigger than me that cared more about my life than I did. From that point, my religious education really took off and I could see Him working in my life through friends, family and circumstances. I felt a great connection and it enhanced my religious life. Until March 5, 2012.
It was on that day that we learned about Hypoplastic Left heart Syndrome, and that our baby girl’s life depended on whether or not she could tolerate the major surgery that awaited her after birth. My first reaction when hearing the diagnosis was “What did I do to make this happen?” Although I know now that it was nothing I did, that doesn’t take away from the anger about the randomness of the situation. It wasn’t until I sat in the synagogue last night that I realized why I was so angry to Gd.
I sat in Shabbat services one night before March, and asked Gd to bless us with another healthy child and I would dedicate that child to Him. I had made that promise with Elizabeth and again with Adeline, so I naturally asked again with this one. This time I was not granted the grace He had given me previously. This time, we will have a child who will have to have at least three major surgeries before she is 3, possibly more. She will experience pain and suffering her first few weeks of life, and we will be able to provide very little comfort. This time, He answered me with an astounding “No.”
Right now, I am not seeing the gift that this may turn into down the road. Right now I am seeing a long, difficult road ahead full of fear and I am furious with Him. Absolutely furious. And it doesn’t make things better when I read other Heart Mama’s posts about praising Gd and may His hand guide the surgeons, etc. 99% of the time their Gd is Jesus so I feel a little out of place with that. My Gd isn’t Jesus, and we don’t have the promise of Heaven after we die to reunite us with our loved ones. I’m still not sure what we believe but I am on the fence about that one, which makes this whole situation more difficult. Gd seems to enjoy testing me, seeing how far I can be pushed so I can crumble at His feet. Or, He could have been busy the day Isabelle’s heart was being formed and couldn’t get to the phone. Either way, this has been a real struggle with me and I know that my relationship with Him needs to improve or I will have no chance.
Not sure where I was heading with this post. Maybe a little frustrated that every time I read another Mom’s post, it’s all about Jesus and I feel like I can’t comment or ask questions. Maybe it’s because for the first time since my own Confirmation years ago, I felt anger and bitterness while sitting in the synagogue. Either way, sitting in the meeting this morning reminded me that if I can’t find hope within myself, I need to go to where I know I will find it.