Meltdown followed by a Gratitude List

Yesterday was a bad day. I ached, was feeling sorry for myself and was just in a bad spot. Between dealing with people at the office, being 8 months pregnant and trying to look on the bright side in spite of growing anxiety I fell a bit short. Ok, I was very short. I am tired of being this gangly, round ball with flip flops surrounded by skinny beautiful people. I’m tired of the aches and of the constant pain that is under my ribs. And I feel guilty at the same time- like I shouldn’t be because she is exactly where she needs to be and I know this.
Yesterday I was pretty upset and felt robbed. I was feeling sorry for myself. I felt like I can’t complain about how uncomfortable I am because she is right where she needs to be. People are starting the comments of “I bet you can’t wait for this to be over.” Actually, I can. I don’t want to rush right into the next phase, thank you very much. I want to enjoy these last moments of knowing that she is safe, but I have reminders all around me of how things are going to change the minute she is born. I am jealous of new moms who can hand over their babies to relatives and run off for a day. I will be lucky if I get to hold Isabelle before she has to be handed over to the surgical team. She may already be intubated when I get to see her. Yesterday was a total “Why me?” kind of day and I completely melted down by 8:30. I kept asking God why He felt it necessary to give this latest challenge to me. Have I not gone through enough? Why does so much in my life have to be so difficult? Yeah. I know- whine, whine whine.

Most of the time, I can look at these various roadblocks very differently and say they have made me into the person I am now- and can accept it with a level of satisfaction in that I made it through. Today, I don’t feel as bad as I did yesterday but it still isn’t great. I was told once that if I wasn’t grateful, I needed to make a list of things that are positive so I could get grateful. Corny, yes- but it never failed to work if only for a moment. I have nothing to lose other than a few minutes and possible some of this pain.
Here goes nothing:
Tomorrow is the 4th of July and my oldest Elizabeth is marching in the parade through town. She is also performing with the band and Plymouth Philharmonic Orchestra on the waterfront for the 1812 Overture before the fireworks. I am immensely proud of her.
We are hosting a cookout where our family and friends can enjoy themselves in our home.
My sister and nephew are up visiting and I love their company.
My brother, who I don’t see very often at all, is visiting with his wife and her family.
My husband is a huge help around the house and makes me feel better in spite of how awful I think I look.
We live near the best hospital in the world for cardiac care.
I am being cared for by an amazing team of medical professionals.
Our families are preparing to help us with the girls during the first stages of the surgeries, which is a huge comfort to me.
There is hardly anyone in the office today and I can get a lot of work done.
The chef made blueberry pancakes in the Cafe today.
Traffic wasn’t insane this morning.
I had some good laughs with my colleague on the way in.
I am surrounded by people I can be myself with, and not have to constantly pretend that I am ok.
I am not in as much pain when I walk around today.
*sigh*
Ok, I feel better and hopefully it will last more than 5 minutes this time. šŸ™‚
I’m off to get my pancakes.

One thought on “Meltdown followed by a Gratitude List

  1. Julia says:

    The last weeks are the hardest. It’s okay to feel how you are feeling, I know I did (and I probably told my husband a thousand times I would never be ready for this next stage). I was never ready for Gabe to be born, but the second I saw him… Oh he was beautiful. I was lucky, he was pink and I held him for a few short seconds… Meeting him was the greatest treasure of all. The not knowing is the scary part. Not knowing if that second is the only second they will be free from tubes and wires for weeks or months… But the truth is, she is going to be a fighter. You can rest assured. Prayers are going up for her, and you don’t have to hold any of her life on your shoulders. I know it’s hard, but try very much to let what you can’t control go… But focus on what you can control. Those first few seconds, ask to hold her for just a moment- if she looks good. Remember that moment of perfection and engrave it in your heart. And enjoy being pregnant too, although I know it’s terribly hard once you get to ‘this’ stage. Soon, it will feel like a blink of your eye.

    Praying for all of you. Sending love and hope, and hopefully a tiny peace feeling.

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