It’s All in my Head

It’s funny what fear can do to a person. It can take a well-adjusted human being and reduce them to a pile of neurotic rubble. The mind can go from rational thought to delusional in a matter of seconds. If you are having trouble staying afloat to begin with, it can be the cement block sending you to the bottom of the ocean. Now, I am far from a well-adjusted human being but I have been given the gift of awareness and came to the conclusion yesterday that my recent increased edginess is coinciding with my increased level of anxiety as we move closer to our deadline. Yeah, I know- genius. But for the past few days, I have been puzzled by my behavior and reactions to certain situations and now it makes sense. I know it’s normal to be nervous at this stage of the game, but what I was fascinated with is how it is manifesting itself in me.
For example, there are some situations at work that are bothering me but in the past I have been able to balance out the negative with the positive and keep a healthy perspective. This past week I have been taking everything personally, and doubting whether or not people were messing with my head. Yeah, like people have nothing better to do than to screw around with my head right now! When I can step away and see things as they really are and not get caught up in what I think is happening, I do well. The fear doesn’t own me, I can still be productive and get a long with my co-workers. The past few weeks have been difficult, and I was doubting my relationship with my boss, my colleagues and reacting to what I perceive to be attacks on me. I keep forgetting that everyone is anxious right now, and it’s not just me. My colleagues are worried for me, and are probably trying to alleviate my workload so I can ease into our next phase with the least amount of stress possible. Why I couldn’t think this way yesterday is beyond me, but I am grateful I was able to take a breath before I said something or reacted poorly. I am my own worst enemy, and I learned this a long time ago. Fear, for me, converts to anger and it gives me the illusion that I have control over the uncontrollable. There is absolutely nothing about our situation that I can control other than taking care of myself and my family. This statement is something I need to drill into my skull on a daily basis. When I see other heart families lose their babies to this syndrome, I want to know what happened- what were their complications? What hospital were they at? Who was their surgeon? How old were they? Were they told that their baby had a good chance like we have been told? Did they have the same illusion that if they just got to the next level, they were closer to the Promised Land of keeping their child?
None of those answers will change my situation. None of those answers will make Isabelle’s heart whole, or ensure that she will be with us for a very long time. It gives me the illusion that if I know what happened, I can take steps to keep it from happening to her. I can control this if I just know. Fact is, right now she is safe. Right now, we were told that she has the best case scenario of HLHS, and the doctors have a positive outlook. Right now, she is safe and with us. If I let those fears overtake me, like they try to do 99% of the time, fear will rob me of what peace of mind I have right now. It’s ok to prepare yourself for the long haul that lies ahead, but it isn’t ok to allow the fear to rob you of the time you have right now.
Please don’t ask me how I came to these conclusions after my last post of self pity, I have no idea how I got to this place! All I know is, I want to enjoy the next 4 weeks with my family and these last few days of peace. We will have plenty of time to worry later, and I don’t want to rob my girls (and my husband) of this precious time before we are all separated for a little while. I’m so grateful I was given this gift of being able to see clearly in spite of myself. Who knows what tomorrow may bring- I could go right back to becoming a raving lunatic tomorrow for all I know…stay tuned. 😉

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