This morning my head is very cluttered with all sorts of random thoughts so my hope is that I will get some clarity by writing so I can focus on the National Sales Meeting presentations that I need to be working on right now. The To-Do list is right in front of me but for some reason, I can’t seem to get it together. This sales meeting is the culmination of a year’s work into three days of meetings about our various products and how to pitch them. This is my third sales meeting since I started working at Eaton Vance over a year ago and I have a good idea of what needs to be done. Problem is, I have this other train of thought on an endless loop that keeps interrupting my workflow.
Yesterday we had a non-stress test because of my ‘Advanced Maternal Age’. As the nurse placed the belt and sensors on me, she asked me if this pregnancy was different from my other pregnancies. I paused and said “Yes, it is very different.” and said nothing else. I felt…embarrassed and uncomfortable, not wanting to get into the story about our heart baby. Those of you who know me know that I am open to a fault, I often say too much and tend to ‘overshare’ and then realize my mistake half way through my soliloquy. I never have the filter on and whatever is on my brain usually comes right out.
This time, I didn’t want to say anything. I didn’t want to say anything about her diagnosis or about how this pregnancy has been different. For a few minutes, I just wanted to have a normal moment without mentioning her condition and changing the mood from impending excitement to pity. I feel guilty about this, because I know I have nothing to be ashamed of and this condition was brought upon us by sheer fluke in genetics. We did nothing to be in this situation whatsoever and yet when the opportunity presented itself to explain, I fell silent.
This continued into the examination room with the obstetrician and I said nothing about her HLHS while he was asking questions about how I was doing and we discussed delivery. As of right now, I have already started dilating and am at 1 centimeter. Of course, I could hang loose like this for a while, and I don’t feel that I am about to have this baby any minute. He asked me if I was to go into full-blown labor,would I like to have a natural birth or a C-Section. Without hesitation I said “Natural, if that is a possiblity.” He said if he was on call, he would recommend that if labor starts before August 8th. Everything else looked great, he wished us well and we would see him next week.
It didn’t occur to me until this morning the significance of his statement. He was giving me a chance to have some normalcy in a very abnormal situation. He was the same doctor who performed the amnio, and he knew what our situation was; I know this because he asked if all of our doctors were on board with our plans for August 8th. I may have the chance to have the birth I wanted in the first place, and chose this practice for. Of course, I know babies have their own schedules and come when they are ready but this gave me something I didn’t realize I was missing until today. This gave me hope that I may be able to have the delivery I wanted, a shorter recovery time and the chance to hold our daughter in my arms- not held to my face by someone else.
What a gift that would be, to be able to hold her the second she is born. I remember holding Elizabeth and how significant that moment was in my transition towards motherhood. Perhaps being quiet this time was a good thing. It allowed me to hear something I haven’t heard since March 5, that for a moment, we could be just like everyone else.