Judgement Call

Lately I have been making it a habit of inviting God to be with me on my mat when setting the intention for my yoga practice. It grounds me. Makes me feel more balanced. Opens up my spiritual connection and even more important- gives action towards healing my relationship with God. Tonight was no different. 

As I lay in Child’s pose after being twisted into a variety of Warrior Two’s, chattarangas and forward folds, I thought about Izzie’s procedure tomorrow. Her going under anesthesia, breathing tube and all. I thought about the last time I saw her post-op, and how she looked intubated, hooked up to various machines and instantly tears sprang to my eyes. My forehead pressing into the mat, I breathed in and out in an attempt to calm myself down. With each breath I handed over thoughts of fear, my sadness that we are even in this situation, and over our day at the pool when she turned a shade of violet because she was cold. I saw the instructor look concerned, and I saw the expressions of the other parents while I got her dressed while she played with tube in her mottled fingers. All my sadness, my anxiety, and feelings I didn’t even know were in there came spilling out between my eyelashes on the mat. Needless to say when I left the class, I felt lighter- so that was a good thing. 

When I got home I sat down, got myself a soda, hooked myself up to the breast pump and checked Facebook. Not a good thing. 

I belong to various heart pages. Some more specific than others. Throughout the year I have learned about the different kinds of people that frequent these pages- from mothers who are still carrying their heart babies to parents of transplant patients. I see a lot of Christian mothers who share their faith- some in a ‘nicer’ way than others. I see other parents with very sick children who need prayers daily. 

Unfortunately, what I also see is a great deal of judgement that comes out in the various posts around the CHD world. I wonder if it is a form of fear manifesting itself through condescending comments and other passive aggressive behavior. I found myself typing “For a hippie, you are really judgemental, which in turn- is hypocritical of your so-called nature.” Yes. I was actually typing this. Deep breaths. 

I am guilty of being judgemental myself. I wish other people think like I do. Many times, that is my biggest problem. It’s a character defect. I hope someday it will resolve itself and I won’t have to be a jerk when I don’t want to be. Tonight, I had to say something because this woman asked a question that frankly, was a good question about an issue that is a hot topic: circumcision. Every time this is brought up, it is almost like whomever is thinking about having it done to their son is a barbarian. For my family, it is part of our faith and is an expression of that faith. Considering these boards are made up of so many Christians, I would think people would understand the whole ‘faith’ concept. But they don’t. They can’t even step back and NOT say anything, because they can’t resist getting a good jab in there. “Why on earth would you consider a cosmetic surgery for your heart baby?” Cosmetic?? Really? 

Maybe for some people it is cosmetic. And who cares if it is?? My whole issue with this was that there was no consideration of the original poster’s feelings. She wasn’t asking IF she should do it, but WHEN. Instead, she got a ton of people passively/aggressively ‘sharing’ their experience whether it was helpful or not. 

There’s a saying in AA that I love: you can’t give away what you don’t have. All I can share is my experience, strength and hope. That’s it. My experience with this situation was that I was honestly worried about how we were going to do this if we had a boy. There wasn’t an option for me. It wouldn’t have been a ‘cosmetic’ procedure for me. Thank God I never posted a question about it. I would have felt like I was horrible for even thinking about it. 

Some of these mothers really make me shake my head. I am sure I do the same. But here’s another popular AA saying that I try to live by: To Thine Own Self be True. 

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