First steps

It’s official. I have been accepted as a runner on the Miles for Miracles team to run the NYC marathon for Izzie. What started out as a whim became a reality this morning as I forced myself to get up and out for my first solo training run. Saturday was the first training group run and I ran a pathetic two miles which I was thankful for later when I had to drive 300 miles to get Liz in Vermont that afternoon.
I would have been exhausted if I did more than that since I haven’t run in over two weeks. It felt great to hear the suggestions and to be with a group. Being the social butterfly that I am I enjoy being around people, especially around people who have common goals with me.

Izzie is doing very well and talking up a storm. She surprises me with her phrases and the smile never leaves my face when I spend time with her. Addie continues to test patience but she is getting better. I love watching them play together. Their relationship is very special and brings me joy to see them grow closer together. The flip side of that is I also worry about Adeline if anything happened to Izzie. I worry about how she is going to handle the next hospitalization and being apart from her new best friend. September is still a ways away, but we are starting the second week of July so I know that time is passing quickly.

This past week I was able to have the girls at my new apartment. We had a great time playing together, making waffles and playing on the sofa bed. Spending time with them makes my whole day and I couldn’t get enough of it . It made me feel like a mom, which since this whole thing started I haven’t been able to feel until recently . I have been feeling disconnected and lost without them. I wish I had more days like we had last week. We shall see what happens.

Yesterday was a bad day for me. I understand that not everyone gets why I am doing what I am doing. I have been informed that my family is embarassed by my actions and this morning I was told I was a selfish person. If opting out of a marriage that I was unhappy in is selfish than I guess I am guilty. Especially since I didn’t give it chance. I knew in my heart that I couldn’t stay and I would rather leave now than 10 years from now. I was tired of taking out my frustrations out on my girls. I didn’t think staying was the right choice.

So I am being punished with the whispers, judgement calls and constant questioning. I do my best to stand in the direction of the wind that is blowing in my face but somedays I really want to turn away. Some day that wind cuts right through me and in spite of what people may think, it hurts.

I am not selfish because I want to be a better mother to my children. When I don’t have them I am lost and people around me try to provide comfort. I am so grateful for that. This isn’t easy by any stretch of the imagination. I didn’t think it would be but I thought if nothing else I would have the support of my family but even that is unclear.

Here is what I do know: life gets better. It may take some time but it will get better. In the meantime I have to continue to put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

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