As the clock gets closer to quitting time for me at CA, I can feel the stress bubble up from my chest and spill over into the various muscle groups in my body. Will I get home at a reasonable hour? If I am late will it be used against me? Will any mistake I make tonight be used against me? Should I grill the chicken or let it marinate one more day and take a gamble on salmonella? Maybe a walk with the girls will help me with this nervous energy. Or maybe I just need to turn everything over since I am doing such a fabulous job managing my life thus far?
This has been one hell of a week and it’s only Tuesday. I need to get off this worstmotherintheworld trip. There are worse people out there than me and I, for one, am done with all of this. What is the next step? How can we move forward because I am not moving back. Ever. I have made my bed and am prepared to lie in it so let me.
I am angry that once again I am being held over a barrel, and someone else is in control of my life. I feel chained. I feel like I can’t take full, deep breaths. And I am sick of it. I feel like I am the bird beating herself against the cage as she frantically searches for a way out. I want to be a good mother to my girls. I want to be happy. I know there is happiness out there. I can see it through the bars.
I will never understand how men can get multiple divorces and no one says anything to them but if a woman does it all hell breaks loose. It’s not important. I think the most important priority for me is my girls. Taking care of my girls and being there for them. Which is hard to do when you never know what the schedule is or when the rules will change. I will say this much: regardless of the date on the calendar, I will ALWAYS be available and ready for my girls whenever they NEED ME. That is what a good mother does in addition to other things.
This morning Izzie wasn’t herself and threw up a little after being a tad sluggish. After I was informed of this I responded with a “I hope no one gets sick” text and then instantly regretted it. I am now second guessing everything I say. It is an awful feeling to think that every word, every message you write is scrutinized to be used as possible ammunition. What I meant was, I hope they aren’t sick because I will miss them since it is better for them to be home if they are. I hope they aren’t sick because I want to be there for them when they are sick and right now I can’t. I hope they aren’t sick because I miss them. I was afraid it would have been read as a comment on the inconvenience. Please keep in mind that this is what I am thinking in my head, it isn’t necessarily what is happening.
I was reading another blog today and all I could think of was “fear is the absence of faith.” All I saw was fear in every sentence. Today my fears lie in losing my children in a variety of ways. Years ago my first sponsor gave me a mailbox for God. I write my fears on the piece of paper and put it into the box. Laugh all you want- it makes me feel better! Even if it is only for a few seconds. Here’s the thing: I need more faith to get through this fear. There is too much fear going on right now. It’s causing me to react in ways I don’t like. Breathe in faith, breathe out fear. It can apply to anything. Izzie, my current separation situation, and life in general.
I don’t want to be the caged bird but right now, that is where I am at. Running gives me the sensation of getting away and I am looking forward to doing it tomorrow. Maybe that is why the marathon is so appealing to me right now, I don’t know. I just know that it is time for me to head out and now I feel like I am less tied down by getting this out.
I was asked how I felt about my situation earlier today and I quoted my favorite horse from Ren & Stimpy “No sir…I didn’t like it.” This isn’t fun for anyone. My cage gets smaller and smaller every day. Some days breathing is a real challenge when the fear knocks the wind out of me and I have had moments when I want to give up. The little support I have gotten has been what has lifted my head up so to all of you out there who have given me words of encouragement, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.