Tuesday is looming over in the distance like a lone dark cloud on a sunny day. Izzie is blissfully unaware that 6 days from now she will be on an operating table with her chest split open and her body on ice. She has no idea that they are going to stop her heart and put her on bypass so they can do the final repair of her Fontan. She does not know that this will hopefully be her last surgery for a long time, or even that there is still a possibility of a future transplant when she gets older. She doesn’t even know her heart isn’t like everyone else’s. All she knows is that the Backyardigans are awesome and that Dora needs her to say “Swiper no Swiping!”
I know other parents have tried to prepare their child for surgery by talking about it, reading stories about the hospital and explaining what is going to happen. With a two year old it is really hard to explain the concept of what is going to happen since I barely understand what Dr. Emani is planning on doing. To be honest I am very worried as to how she is going to deal with being poked and prodded again. She has made the connection of white coat=owie. I don’t know how to abate those fears and am hoping I get some answers today.
Her upcoming surgery affects all of us and I am also worried about how to is going to affect her sister Adeline. Liz I can talk to and she is pretty good about telling me things (most of the time). Addie has already said she wants to see Izzie every day. She doesn’t like that idea that she won’t wake up to her sister every day for a little while. I am so grateful she has no idea what is about to happen otherwise I would have a very worried four year old on my hands. All she knows is Izzie is going to be at the hospital because she needs her heart fixed. She knows a healthy person has four chambers while Izzie only has about 2 1/2. Chris and I have made a big effort to make Addie s secure as possible since we both are going to be back and forth to the hospital and she will be with family a lot.
Last night I did a little housecleaning. I took out the bags I will need for the hospital. I also sat down and wrote out a personal inventory of what has been going on the last two years. I can’t believe I finished it in one night but I was able to be honest and get out a lot of junk that has been floating around inside. I woke up feeling much better than I have in a long time and am so grateful I was able to take care of myself in spite of the focus being on the girls.
I know how fortunate we are that Isabelle is doing as well as she has been doing. I know that there are many children who still struggle post-Fontan. I haven’t been able to get myself to check Facebook this morning because I am afraid of what I will see today but I care about my fellow heart mama friends who are at their children’s bedsides sick with worry. I will check in a few minutes. But for now, I wanted to sort through my anxiety of dealing with Izzie’s reaction to walking through that revolving door. I know we have many people praying for us and for that I am so grateful. I don’t know how I would be able to get through anything that is going on in my life if it wasn’t for my family and friends. Thankfully today all I have to do is show up at my job, do what is asked and see my girls tonight. Oh- and bake cookies for snack for my home group. I don’t have to get a parent badge, hold her arms while they try to get blood, listening to her crying in my ear and watch the tears roll down her face. I can just enjoy the day that I have.