Underlying causes and conditions

Yesterday was a bad day. Between an awkward one on one meeting with my manager, a terrible commute in, not being able to have my kids overnight…apparently I was off the beam yesterday morning before my feet hit the floor. I did ask for help when I got to the office but even so, I felt like I couldn’t hold onto any serenity at all throughout the day. I have been feeling like this for a few days now and frankly, it is exhausting. I feel like I have no control over what I say or do, which is never a good thing for an impulsive person such as myself.

As I started to walk through the events of yesterday and see how I could do things differently today, I started to see what the underlying cause was for the initial turmoil. The wrapping was different but the issue was still the same. Never ceases to amaze me how the same stuff affects me over and over regardless of the disguise it comes in. No matter how many times I write about it, pray about it, put it in my God Box or let go of a metaphorical rock, the same reaction happens and all hell breaks loose. Maybe someday before I die I will figure out how to stop the crazy train before it leaves the station.

There have been a few times at work when I have given my professional opinion and lately everything I have brought up has been shut down with little or no discussion. I swallowed my pride on all occasions in the best interest of keeping my job. I had my one on one meeting, where I was told that I needed to ‘justify my value to the team.’ Once again, I said nothing but nodded in agreement with this knowledge that I need to prove to everyone that I don’t suck. Awesome. Next on the Shit List is not being able to have my girls because Izzie wasn’t feeling well. Not anyone’s fault but it widens the space between us. After putting them both to bed I went home and discovered a pile of crap coming down from the ceiling that was being jumped on by the rambunctious two year old upstairs. At that moment, it felt like people didn’t realize that anyone lived downstairs or cared for that matter. Lost. My. Shit. Had a hard time sleeping, go figure.

The dust settled (literally and figuartively) and I was able to process the feelings behind the irrational actions. Apologies were given, and I talked about the incidents with various third parties. What was wrong with me? Why was I so angry to begin with?

Feeling like I had to justify my presence brought up my Fear that I really am worthless and that this was another message from the Universe that I didn’t belong here. I was a mistake from conception and this proves it. I have to prove my value at work, at home, and in all areas of my life including my kids. One of my family members broke the biggest rule in my What Not to do In My House Book without a care in the world about how I felt. I shouldn’t have to constantly prove that my feelings are important to everyone around me but that is exactly what set me over the edge yesterday. My feelings, me. I am not important enough to be part of anyone’s equation.

The other feeling that swam alongside the I Am A Mistake concept was jealousy. I was angry that my last delivery of a baby was shadowed by death. When Izzie was born I had to be cautiously joyful- if there is such a thing. Happy but not too happy becuase what if she didn’t make it out of surgery. What if after 9 months of being with me I would lose her in spite of our efforts? I was reminded that birth is supposed to be the happiest time in a new mom’s life this morning. And I knew then that I was jealous. It is. And it sucked that my last experience was so interwoven with fear that I couldn’t enjoy the moment that i deserved to enjoy. I was robbed of that and that is my truth.

That doesn’t excuse bad behavior, however. It doesn’t give me the right to lose my head after a bad day. My perception of the world has completely changed because of Isabelle’s CHD. My empathy has changed, I look at everything differently and through a skeptical eye. That doesn’t mean that everyone else’s reality has changed because mine did. It means I need to pause before I react to things. It means that I need to remember that other people’s feelings are just as important as mine, regardless of the different perceptions.

For the most part, I know I am not a walking mistake. I do. But sometimes those old buttons are pushed by day to day activities and before I know it- BAM! The fuse was lit on my way home and I didn’t even know it. Today is another day and so far it has been better. As always, thanks for reading.


6 Month Reprieve

You would think that I would have breathed a sigh of relief when we were given the news that we didn’t need to see the cardiologist for 6 months. That her heart is functioning perfectly for having three chambers. That there is no substantial fluid around her heart or that her squeeze was being affected by the new pressures and circulation. Nope. All I could think about was getting back to the office. Back to my laptop where I had multiple projects going all with deadlines of yesterday. My head should have been with my heart yesterday with rejoicing in knowing that we have made it through the Fontan tunnel. Instead, both my heart and my head were living in sheer panic of what ifs and how am I going to finish…blah blah.

How important is it? I remember being asked that a lot when I would get angry about…everything. How important is it that I be valued and appreciated? How important is it that I feel like I am getting assignments completed. How important is it that I have a computer that actually works and helps me get these assignments done. There are a few important things here but I can’t lose my head over every one of them. But I did this morning. It isn’t even 10AM and I already have mascara down my face from the pressure. I woke up later than I wanted to. Headed out much alter than I should have and stressed all the way into Boston on the train. I can’t work on the red line like I could if I were on the commuter rail. And because I came in late, I will need to stay late too causing me to miss more time with my children.

Which brings me to another sore spot in my chest. My girls are sick with colds and I haven’t been able to be available for either one of them. Last night Izzie threw up in Chris’s bed for the second night in a row and I wasn’t there to help. I couldn’t help anyone. It feels awful. I can’t be available to my kids when they are sick because they shouldn’t be shuffled around if they are not feeling well. I am the biggest loser in this situation and it hurts like a bitch today. They don’t come to me to be comforted anymore. The other night Izzie kept pulling away from me and reaching for her Daddy instead of letting me rock her to sleep. I don’t know what else to do other than keep putting my foot in front of the other and hold her anyway. She did give in and cuddled with me but it was agony not feeling like her mother. I feel more like an aunt these days than a parent.

And what is happening with my divorce? Absolutely nothing which isn’t good considering I have a deadline of financial aid forms I need to start. I feel like there is this elephant in the room with dollar signs for eyes and no one is saying anything for fear of breaking out into another argument. At least that is where I am coming from anyway. I know we have to talk about things and I know that I responsible for a lot of what is going on which makes talking about this even harder. I want to be able to help financially and I can’t. I want to be able to have more time but my schedule is ridiculous.

So we have a 6 month reprieve from doctor’s visits and that is a great feeling. The only great feeling I have at the moment. I am holding onto this with both hands. These feelings are so fleeting no matter how many times I get on my knees and pray in the ladies room they always disappear to be replaced by panic. Panic that I am being seen as someone who isn’t into her work. Seen as a bad mother. Seen as someone who is just out of control. I hate feeling like this and am hoping that like everything else it will pass. Until it does, pass me the tissues.