Feelings are funny creatures. They don’t listen to logic, they are impulsive, and whimsical. They never seem to care about when the right time to present themselves might be. People generally underestimate them, and try to put them into boxes or containers so that they can maintain an outer appearance of being ‘together’. Some feelings are so old and deep, there is no box or container in the world that will keep them locked away.
My feelings are very strong. When I was a child, they would overwhelm me in such a way that I had absolutely no control of what I was saying or doing. I had a hard time chasing them around and finding containers to put them in. My bedroom usually reflected this inner conflict, with clothes strewn on chairs and books scattered on the floor. It always felt that there was a lot of noise going on inside of me as I struggled to organize my thoughts.
Some days, my feelings pantry was quiet. Everyone was in their rightful place. Sadness, anger, fear, and insecurity were staying in their boxes on the first shelf. Other days, all of the boxes would be flung open, and I would be a mess. When I think back on my childhood, I remember being frustrated that I couldn’t control these unruly feelings like everyone else seemed to. Why couldn’t I be like everyone else? Sound familiar?
Last night I was having an emotional conversation with someone, and the Abandonment Issue Box was flung open. My heart beat faster and I began to sense that I was losing my grip. Logic was not helping me reduce the whirling dervish that was growing bigger with each breath. My mouth opened and out came “She threw me away like I was garbage.”
Whoa. Thank God the person on the other line wasn’t having any of that because she cast a line of logic that whipped that sucker back down to size.
“She didn’t throw you away, she was giving you a chance! A chance we were not given, and it sucked!”
Back into your box, Abandonment. I’m not a child anymore and you need to calm the f*ck down.
My answer to Abandonment is Connection. Connection to other people that make me happy. When I connect with other people- it makes my soul happy. My heart opens. I feel whole. The downside is, when Abandonment decides it wants to go for a walk, I crave feeling whole so much, that I don’t realize that I am overwhelming other people who are not like me. What made this recent episode so interesting, was that in spite of knowing logically that I am loved, the mere thought of being rejected AGAIN, ignited Abandonment’s box.
The lesson here is don’t underestimate childhood emotions. They are bigger than we realize and if left unchecked, they can wreak havoc on relationships that you are working so hard to keep. It also goes back to “It’s not all about me.” The world doesn’t revolve around me. Abandonment really thinks that we are the center of the universe, so when I am able to view the world holistically, it stays in the Box. I used to cringe in meetings when people would share about their ‘inner child’. Not anymore. I believe 100% that emotional scars from childhood can impact your life today. The goal is to not allow the scar tissue to warp how you react.
I shouldn’t have been so selfish by saying that I was thrown out like garbage. She was right. I grew up in the best circumstance that anyone could have asked for. I had no right to be selfish when others have suffered because they were not given that chance. My heart is heavy today, but I will focus on what I can bring to the day instead of what can I get out of it.