HLHS

The importance of being in the moment, even if the moment is hard

Not sure what is going on but for the past few weeks, I’ve experienced a lack of energy and motivation that I haven’t seen in a while. Maybe the high of ending a bad relationship is over. Maybe now that the distraction is over I have to focus on me. Or maybe I’m just tired from the intense holiday season that has begun in the store. Perhaps it’s the fact that Christy would have turned 47 today.

Whatever it is, it is kicking my ass. I’m not feeling right, eating right, or making any healthy decisions for myself. I would even go as far as to say I’m a little depressed. Every day I wake up needing more sleep. My heart feels heavy throughout the day but not for the whole day. I am experiencing a weird sense of sadness that isn’t overwhelming, but it is dampening any motivation I have for eating well and exercising. I don’t want to run. I can’t even get motivated to do it. I’m just blah.

I do have a few stresses in my life that could be affecting me like my kids, financial insecurity, and work related stuff. But what I’m puzzled with is how much motivation I am losing daily. This isn’t like me at all.

I’m still happy that I ended that relationship. Not a day goes by where I don’t come into my apartment thrilled that it is just myself and Liz living there. Every morning I wake up in the middle of my bed happy that I don’t have to deal with anyone else other than my children. I love it. I have absolutely no regrets for ending a five year constant battle between myself and someone who was unable to hold themselves accountable for anything. When I do get sad, I think about that and instantly my chest feels lighter.

The other emotion I am experiencing is anger. Anger that this person never held themselves accountable for anything and everything was always someone else’s fault. Everyone else was stupid or didn’t know how to drive, or were just assholes. It was like being with a child 24/7.

I lost relationships, friends, and jobs. I didn’t want to go to gatherings or events for fear of having to deal with that persons issues in public. I would either go alone or not at all. When I didn’t go, I missed out on being with family and friends I don’t normally see. I didn’t say goodbye to someone who meant a lot to me when I was a teenager because I didn’t want to deal with other people staring or wondering what the hell was going on. It was very isolating. No one wants drama and I was nothing but a terrible LifeTime movie. I am so grateful I closed that chapter this last July. No regrets at all, but there is so much anger. The person I thought I loved never existed. At the end, I had no idea who this person was. It was unbelievably frustrating and I knew I couldn’t say anything at home because there was the game of “Who Can Yell Louder” which is always fun in an apartment building.

It’s over now. I’m so grateful that it is but some mornings I wake up feeling down. I look in the mirror and see an obese woman trying to look like she is in her 30s. I tell myself I won’t eat sugar and then it’s in my coffee. I say things to myself like “Omg you look like a moose today” or “Can you just stop eating crap for five minutes?” I’m pretty mean to myself, and I worry that I will never get back to where I was or want to be. Hopelessness comes in waves and then recedes to a point where I can get up and go about my day.

It doesn’t stay at an intense level because I am able to remind myself that things are better and this will pass. My heart knows that this is just one moment in my life. There have been many episodes like this, some more intense than others, but all have passed giving way to some incredible times in my life. Even in this period of whatever this is, I had an amazing thanksgiving with my father’s side of the family, I’ve had some amazing laughs with great people at work, and I am able to make ends meet in spite of myself. This past weekend My girls and I attended my cousins bar mitzvah and we had a blast!

I know this is just a moment in my life and that it will pass. A few months from now I will be able to look back on this moment and say “Wow. You got through that and then some.” I know things change so I am hanging in there.

I appreciate everyone who is around me who make me laugh, connect with me, and are just there. Thanks guys, I’ll be all right. I feel better already.

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